This is our 4th Christmas without you Cole. Every year I think it'll get easier but it doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if it's only Mommy, Daddy and Grammy who miss you so much but then things happen and I realize that everyone in our family misses you ~ you will never be forgotten and you will always be missed.

I think the holidays are the hardest - along with the anniversary of you being born and flying off to Heaven on Angel Wings. I wish I had more memories of you ~ I cherish those that I do have but it wasn't long enough. I long to see you and sometimes wish that just once, I could have seen you open your eyes. So many days I sit and think of you and wonder 'Why?'. Why did you have to leave us before we had the chance to watch you grow and spoil you . I know there's an answer, I just don't think there's one I'm going to find in my lifetime.

Since losing you, I have no fear of death. I know that I have a purpose and need to fulfill that purpose, but when my time comes, I will look forward to it knowing that I will see you ~ alive and well in Heaven. There will be no more pain of grief and losing you ~ I will hold you in my arms and tell you how much you have been missed and how much you are loved. It will give Amy comfort to know that I'm with you and taking care of you for her.

I hope you know how much we miss you Cole. Sometimes it's just overwhelming for Grammy. Did you see me last Christmas Day when your cousins Jake and Brynna were running around playing and having such a good time ~ all of a sudden I was so overcome with sadness that I broke down. Your poor Aunt Ali was the only one standing there and all I could even get out of my mouth of 'There should be three 2 years old here today, not just two". Ali just wrapped her arms around me and let me sob and then I had to stop and pull myself back together before anyone else saw me. I was especially afraid your Mommy and Daddy would arrive and find me like that and I couldn't let that happen. It's already hard enough on them and sometimes I wonder if my grieving for you makes it even harder for your Mommy. I can't help it though ~ I just miss you every day and think about all the things you would be doing.

I wonder what you would look like this Christmas ~ I see you in my dreams as tall with wispy blonde hair like your Mommy. I look at Jake, Brynna and Mason and wonder if you would look at all like them. I know you would love your big cousin Dillon as much as the other little ones do.

I miss the birthday parties we never get to have for you. I miss holding you and being a silly Grammy with you just like I am with Jake, Brynna and Mason. What would you sound like? What would you say? I miss that we can't have long conversations while you play in the bathtub like I do with your cousin Jake. I miss singing silly songs to you. I have so much and yet I feel that I have such emptiness. A missing piece of my life. I feel so blessed to have Dillon, Brynna, Jake and Mason here with me but there should be one more. I love them all so terribly much ~ and I love you too.

Soon, it'll be time to go and decorate your grave for Christmas. Grammy has had such a hard time leaving the house this past year that I feel like I've neglected your grave but I know that you are not really there ~ it's where we laid your little body to rest but you had long before flown to Heaven with Angel Wings. Still, it gives me peace and comfort to go down and put flowers and leave you lots of silent thoughts of love and prayers. I can go now without weeping the entire time ~ maybe time does bring some level of comfort but I can never leave without feeling the huge hole in my heart.

I look so forward to the first Christmas I get to spend in Heaven with you my sweet darling grandson. You and I will watch over all the rest of those left behind and experience the true meaning of Christmas together. What a glorious Christmas that will be. In the meantime, have a wonderful Christmas in Heaven this year and know that you will be our hearts and thoughts. It's Another Christmas .... Without You.........

I love you Cole,
Grammy

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love,
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing,
for I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

Copyright 1998

by Wanda Bencke

Used with permission

I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face

My Mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching her just the same.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.

She says it sounds like music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd.
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.

I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me to her friends.

But there are few who truly understand
Oh this I've heard her proclaim.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
Will my Mom ever be the same?

I know that her smiles light up a sky
But, I don't see that smile today.
Oh, but I hear each tear fall on her face.
Her blue skies turned to gray.

Oh, I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of the morning sun.
Then, I won't hear a tear fall on her face
For I shall erase them one by one.

Yes, my Mom doesn't know I'm watching her.
But I'm watching her just the same.
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll just softly whisper her name!

~Author Unknown~

Grammy's Poem for Cole

I miss you each and every day
I miss the part where we get to play
I long to touch your soft sweet face
I pray to God for strength and grace

Christmastime is so very hard
I can't even send out those pretty cards
No one wants to really hear
How hard it's been without you here.

Some think it's time I should move on ~
How do I do that when a piece of my heart is gone?
Soon Christmas will be here & I'll put on my happy face
For Dillon, Brynna, Jake & "Mace"

Christmas Day I'll long to see you here ~
Opening your presents and grinning ear to ear
Just know my sweet precious Cole
That I carry you every day in my heart and soul.

Love,
Grammy

Christmas 2003

Another Christmas...
......Without You.....